The Power of Self-Compassion: Ease Anxiety and Depression & Improve Mental Health
Now that we are reaching the end of January, you might be feeling a bit discouraged about your New Year’s Resolutions, or you may be falling short of your expectations. Making changes in your life is challenging, no matter how big or small. Part of the learning process is making mistakes and failing. These failures don’t last forever and produce knowledge you did not possess before. Without failure, you cannot grow.
However, how you respond to failure and the emotions that come with it is extremely important. By approaching the negative emotions that come with failure, or in general, with self-compassion, you allow yourself to gain perspective on the scenario, comfort yourself when feeling intense emotions, and recognize you are not alone in the feelings. If you treat yourself with judgment and contempt when you fail, it makes sense why you would want to avoid it at all costs. However, if you recognize that failure is a part of every person’s life and essential for learning, you treat yourself with kindness and allow for healthy responses and growth.
What is self-compassion?
Being compassionate toward yourself entails three categories: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Research shows that it decreases depression and anxiety. Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in the field, discusses these extensively in her books and on her website, providing exercises and research backing the effectiveness of self-compassion. Below, you will find a brief discussion of each component and an exercise to help boost each in your life. If you would like to learn more, please visit self-compassion.org or reach out!
Self-kindness
Self-kindness requires approaching your emotions as a loving friend would, not condemning yourself for your flaws or shortcomings. Rather, consoling yourself with understanding and nurturing behavior. This act allows you to feel your emotions in a safe place without judgment. When you recognize that your emotions will come up whether you want them to or not, you give up your sense of control over them and can approach them with kindness. For example, if you are not reaching a New Year resolution, you might say things like, “I am so ashamed of myself; how can I not make this simple change? This should be easy.” When you treat yourself with kindness, the thought might shift to “I am feeling disappointed and ashamed that I am not following through with my New Year’s resolution as much as I would like to. I also recognize that making changes takes time, and I also have other things that I am dealing with at this moment: not all my energy can go to my resolution. I will keep working towards my end goal the best I can at this time.” By reframing the thought in this way, you recognize the pain you are experiencing, acknowledge your circumstance, and set intentions.
Common Humanity
The second component of common humanity refers to the innate community we all have with each other as humans. Everyone experiences pain, suffering, joy, happiness, and the whole spectrum of emotions. We are never truly alone; there is always someone who can relate to the emotions you are feeling. In Western society, we are taught to value individuality and uniqueness, which applies to our inner thoughts at times. While experiencing inner pain, we sometimes think that no one else has experienced this or would understand. Social media highlights only the positive and “perfect” parts of people’s lives. We don’t see the struggles or failures that other people experience, making the pain feel more isolating. By recognizing that other people experience pain and failure, we don’t feel quite so alone; instead, we find connection, understanding, and compassion. For example, suppose you are not hitting your goals for your New Year’s resolution, and you are seeing how well other people are doing on social media. In that case, you may feel like you are the only one not reaching goals, and you should be doing better by being very critical of yourself. However, if you take a moment to recognize that you are only seeing the high points of someone’s life and that people fall short of their resolutions every year, addressing your emotions might not feel so daunting. If you take it a step further and talk to those around you, you might find that they feel similar, fostering more community and connection.
Mindfulness
The final part of self-compassion is mindfulness. This act entails observing what is going on in your mind and body without judgment, noticing what is happening without overplaying or underplaying your thoughts or feelings, and just recognizing what they are in the moment. When we view our thoughts in a mindful way, our perspective is broadened beyond our point of view. When practicing mindfulness, paying attention to any physical feelings, emotions, thoughts, sounds, smells, and similar things is important. It may be easy to focus on your thoughts following them. When this happens, you simply recognize that you are following the thought and focus back on observing what is happening in your thoughts and body. For example, you would say, “I am feeling anxiety at this moment; I feel a tightness in my chest, and my ears feel hot. I am nervous that I did the wrong thing. I am a caring person, which is why I am nervous.” If you start to ruminate or continually think about the same thought, draw your attention back to what you are currently feeling without criticizing yourself for following the thought. Through mindfulness, we can approach situations from a more holistic point of view and regulate our emotions, allowing us to respond to situations thoughtfully.
In summary, self-compassion is treating yourself with kindness, recognizing how you are not alone and have community, and being mindful of your situation and thoughts. When you are in pain, experiencing failure, or struggling, you can practice self-compassion by approaching it from any one of the three components. Each situation is different, so practicing self-compassion might be more manageable by approaching it from a different route, practicing mindfulness, using self-kindness, or recognizing their shared humanity. Remember, you are human and deserve kindness. If you are struggling, please reach out.
Self-Compassion Exercise
Journaling
One way to practice self-compassion is journaling, whether this is on the note’s app on your phone, a document on your laptop, or in a physical journal. Find a quiet time during your day and write down any challenging points in your day. For each experience you write down from the day, use a self-compassion approach to respond in a self-compassionate way.
Mindfulness
When you think of the negative experiences that you had in the day, become aware of the painful emotions that come with them. Write down your feelings without judgment and with acceptance, not making a bigger deal out of them than they are but also not belittling what you feel. You can use the prompt “I felt X because of Y.”
common Humanity
Next, notice different ways your experience is part of a community and the shared human experience. Noting that it is human to make mistakes, all people experience pain and suffering, and that pain and suffering will pass.
Self-kindness
To end the cycle of self-compassion, write something caring and nurturing from a comforting and reassuring place. Comfort yourself, knowing you did the best you could at the time with what you were given.
References
Neff, K. (2025, January 5). Compassion by Kristin Neff. Self-Compassion. https://self-compassion.org/
Neff, K. (2015). Self compassion: Stop beating yourself up and leave insecurity behind. Yellow Kite.
